Marc - Tyler - Cram - Wood - (Mis)Handler Interview

Hey Tyler. Thanks for joining me on my blog. I know, like myself, you are a big fan of both Joe Hill and Stephen King. But if you had to choose between the two, which one would it be, and why? (Just as an aside, you know I’m a comic fan, right?)

Thanks for having me, Sir Spencer! I love both of them, but I have to go with papa King. His writing feels a little more artistic and at times poetic. He’s a master at empathy. However, Hill’s short story “Pop Art” is the best short I’ve ever read. It’s about a kid whose best friend is an inflatable. He’s much like a regular kid but, ya’know, he’s full of air. It’s super unrealistic but so sad.

Your debut novel, “The curse of the mountain”, is about to be released. Out of everyone you know personally, which person’s reaction are you most worried about, and why?

Well, the first page of my book is a dedication to my mom. In the dedication, I beg her to not cover me in holy water when she reads it. We’ll see what happens there. I also teach kids how to play guitar and their parents are incredibly supportive and are looking forward to it. I’m even more afraid that I’ll freak the hell out of them and don’t let their kids near me without handing them pepper spray. On the other hand, I hope that kind of happens because that means I did my job as a horror novelist, right?

Did you know that Tyler cram is an anagram of Mr. Treacly? And also Marc Tyler. Could Tyler Cram be a pen name?

You might be onto me, Austrian.

Cool, and thanks for letting me call you Mr. Treacly. So what do you do in your free time? From my internet stalking, I see that you play guitar, hold wood in a manly way and do swimsuit modelling. Then there’s more manly wood holding, and the episode of pimp my ride where you make the best out of the golfing buggy. But I’m thinking that being in a band is your main thing? How did that come about?

I think you’re understating how much I enjoy holding wood. I fucking LOVE holding wood. Other than that, music is huge for me. Actually, I started writing this novel partially because I was writing too many unfinished songs, I figured giving my mind to something else like the novel would make me finish the songs I was working on. My band is my first child. There’s no better feeling in the world than having a song completely put together. All of my songs are dark and sad, but they make me so damn happy.

Tyler Cram denies all incidents of cat endangerment but is there a sinister side to the man?

I know you are outspoken in your political beliefs about the president, but I am a believer that everyone is loved by their mums, and possibly their dogs too. Probably not their cats. So, what good point do you think Mama Trump could find about her boy?

I have five cats and they all don’t love me, but I force love onto them. So, I have to agree with you. I’m sure she loves everything Donnie is doing. She’s looking up at him from whatever is down there and she is proud. Especially of the way he makes it known that the Trump name is more powerful than all the others, more deadly, too.

So back to your book. Everyone asks what inspired you to write it – so I won’t. Instead, can you tell me a character in the book that you enjoyed writing about, that isn’t one of the main characters – and why?

Excellent question. There is a guy who lives in a trailer park and he is an old man with a long white beard dyed yellow from dip spit who talks in a nearly unintelligible accent (due to his lack of teeth) and it was so much fun to write and put him in the world.

So, every Author has cast their own book for the movie that runs in their heads. Who made the line up in “The curse of the mountain”?

Oh man. I actually haven’t done that! If I thought about it, I’d have a young Lynda Carter as the police officer Sarah Mann. The four kids I would want to be mid-2000s emo kids. It’s the only way.

Do you have any brothers or sisters? And how close are you to them? And if so, what do they think of you writing a book?

I have an older sister who isn’t into scary stuff but she’s really excited for me. We’re super close, we’re like best friends. She’s a librarian so I expect her to tear me apart in her review.

Tell us one thing about yourself that you kept a secret from your family.

I plan on moving out of the country in the next few years, they’d lose their mind if I told them that!

So you aren't gonna come clean about the wood mishandling incident?

(Tyler remained quiet, but gulped here.)

What’s your biggest fear?

My biggest fear is (mishandling wood or (I might have totally added this section)) watching loved ones die. That fear is anticipatory because it happens inevitably.

What was the last non-darkstroke book you read, and was it any good?

Clown in a Cornfield by Adam Cesare, it’s a young adult slasher. I was a little wary at first but it’s super gory and hilarious because there’s a good social commentary about these kids nowadays and they all die. I loved it.

You’re an applicant for the Bram Stoker Award for First Novel. If you win, what are you going to do to celebrate, COVID allowing?

I could be asking you the same! I’m going to get the most expensive piece of steak I can find and grill the shit out of it.

If you had to choose to be a monster, what would it be from the following, and why: Vampire Werewolf Ghost Mummy Nicolas Cage

Have you seen “Mandy”?! That movie will make you pray to God that Nic Cage lets loose.

Wow. That was a hard question. All of them are pretty hideous. Ok. I don’t believe in Star signs, but your female fan base asked me to ask what star sign you are, so they can plan their line of attack. So, what is it? And why is it the best sign (yawn). (My daughter needs to know this)

I’m a gemini, whatever the fuck that means. All I know is, whenever I tell girls that they look at me like I just slapped their mother.

Favourite film? It doesn’t have to be a horror film…

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. All day long. Interstellar is a close second.

Ok. I’m running out of originality. Do you put on your left sock first, or your right? Or do you mix it up to be a rebel?

I like to mix it up. Usually I go with left then right, but if I feel too predictable, I’ll put both on the right.

Uh huh. So you’re one of those, huh? Ok. How do you think the world is going to end, and if you could die anywhere in the world, where would it be?

I think we’re going to cook to death in 50 years because no one takes climate change seriously. I’d like to die on a mountain somewhere, looking towards the sunset as I draw in my last breath.

Ok last question. What is the theme song to “The curse of the Mountain?”, and how many times have you listened to it in the last month?

The theme song is a song called “I’m Wicked” by Twin Temple, they are a satanic doo-wop group and they are incredible. I’ve probably listened to it a hundred times.

Tyler cram is a horror aficionado. He has been obsessed with the genre since he was too young to be watching it. It started with An American Werewolf in Paris—the awful 90’s sequel to the original—and snowballed ever since. His influences stem from Stephen King, Joe Hill, Shirley Jackson, Algernon Blackwood, and countless others. He studied them almost academically, peering into their minds psychologically, pulling back the curtains to see what drove them to creating their stories. The answer is reality. Tyler loves the idea that all great horror writers use the real world to concoct monsters. At certain points, you don’t know whether it’s the real ones or the fake ones that are scarier. He decided he wanted to open that box for himself, create something that no one has read.

Segments of this interview may very well have never been said or seen by Mr Cram, but if he can make up his own name, I believe it fair for me to state that he is an imaginary person anyway, and I can damn well make him say what I like. Nuff said.